Its wonderful how somethings in life can’t be left behind once and for all .. that’s how this blog has been for me .. i come back to it whenever life pushes me to it’s core its because it’s here that i find myself all free to express myself and the fears and sorrows that are buried deep down in my heart .. life has been really blissful for me that past few years .. i have had the best of education the best of friends and environment but still there is that space in my heart which remains empty no matter what the surrounding environment tends to be .. it’s the emptiness of not being upto ones expectations and desires … My life is a complicated story of joy and sorrows pushing down one and the other turn by turn unfolded here in short paragraphs ..
Have you ever been in a situation where the two people you admire and love the most becomes the worst enemies of each other?
Yes, I’ve been through it and still am suffering from it. Its when you watch them tore apart your dreams in their quarrels and you are there unable to move a limb because choosing one could mean loosing the other forever.
You might be wondering, why don’t you solve their conflict .. well It’s a conflict that can’t be solved when both of them want you to choose either one of em, because they think the other one isn’t good enough … Yes, i know it is as complicated as it sounds.
I am on a stage in life where just a slight push could mean the end for me. Why? Because its getting unbearable to watch and why am i not getting rid if both of em? Because it’s difficult to let go of your family …
They say, A silence can speak a thousand words but you need to have ears to hear it. There are times when you wish you could spill out all that’s buried deep inside you for years but then again you are struck by the reality that’s its better kept hidden. I don’t get why we must follow what others wishes from us like it’s my Life and if i am the one breathing it shouldn’t i be the one deciding how it should be lived.
I sometimes envy the selfish kind of people because, however people might think about them, they still got the guts to get what they want or wish for. On the other side are people like us that keep their wishes buried in the chest and take it with them to their deathbed. Who’s happy in this world you be the judge the selfish or the caring.
Making the decision wasn’t easy for me too. Like someone said its easier for me to forget, NO its definitely not its the same torture every second but i know we have to go through it the earlier the better. I wish i am never the cause of someone’s pain. Ameen
Life is like a roller coaster, It’s never steady. When you wish for good days to come, you’ll have to go through the worst before knowing it’s true value. We all have been hurt in life, at some point even to the point of collapsing but it’s never as hard as watching someone go through pain because of you.
Being a reason of someone’s pain is the last thing i ever wanted. Watching them suffer day and night and wondering what they might be thinking about me while going through that pain is Torture. It’s a mental torture that’s eating me from inside out. Maybe it’s easier when you wish bad for that person but it’s a complete devastation when you never wished anything bad to happen to them ever and you can’t do anything to ease their pain.
Maybe thats how life teaches us lessons, maybe thats how we grow. It might make us stronger but you never know if you really would be fine at the end of all this.
In Islam we believe that God never puts a burden on you that’s unbearable for you. You are only tested to the point from where you can return back. My life might have been a mess these past years but somehow i found a new hope in the dark. I made a new friend or you could say I adopted a new friend.
Her name is Bella. I have never owned a dog or any animal before. The reason maybe because we used to live in flats and that could became a bit of a mess to have an animal there too considering the size of the place. But as we’ve shifted now and its huge i can adopt one.
She is the most adorable lil creature. I never thought I’d be in love with her because i used to be scared of them but now its the complete opposite. My dream was to continue my education and get a doctorate degree but because i got for the admissions I couldn’t get into my desired college. I was devastated and in severe depression for a couple of months. Its when my brother brought her home and left her under my care, i came back to being happy a saw a raw of hope in life.
To everyone reading this, let life carry on and ket it test you with all its got. By the end of the day there will still be a way out of all the mess and you’ll somehow find it soner or later.
Life isn’t always pleasant for everyone. While growing up i never felt an absence of a Fatherly figure maybe because during that time I didn’t knew exactly what a fatherly love was. The reason is not because my father was dead or sick, its just because he NEVER talked with us. I am one of five siblings and being on a second last place I’ve always felt neglected. I am not someone who would scream and shout to get things done, i am the kind that would even sleep hungry if not invited to the dinner table. I am on the deep end of the SHY meter.
The reason of my return today is rather a sad one. When i am not able to talk I write, or in this case, type things down. I was just scolded for baking a cake by my father. Just as simple as that. I had always envied the girls that can sit together with their father and discuss their life or just pass smile to them. You know for me i have to watch my fathers facial expression before asking him for simple things and mostly i just let go of the matter because talking to my father seems harder then the matter itself.
So to the girls out there You are lucky to have loving parents and Respect your fathers because even after all this i do respect him as hes the provider for my family.
They say Islam suppresses the rights of women to be educated and be equal as men in the society. Well I’d say don’t believe what you see from far a distance, come close and know the reality.
My Grand grand father was the owner of lands in the time when Pakistan was under the rule of Britain. He had a village to his name but in that time it ment a life threatening danger. He was the person who would act as a judge when something would go wrong in the community and that had made him the top ranker on a hit list.
When the generations passed and the time came for my father, he would attend school with armed guards standing by his side in a classroom. My father still continued his education with a risk everyday that maybe he might not come home today. But he didn’t want his children to go through all this and took us far away to another country. He did this so his daughters would get the best of education there is under a stress free environment. He left behind his hometown and his family just for us and never thought twice about returning until we were standing on our feet.
Nowadays Pakistan has a very strong judicial system and its safe to the extent that one can go out of the house alone in the middle of a night and not worry about anything. So we have returned to our village our people and its a bright sunshine everyday and I couldn’t be anymore grateful for having a family that everyone would want to have.
The hazy sky today is making me depressed. Although winter is my favorite season because the summer here is unmanageable. I am the kind of person that loves thunderstorms and the more the rain, the better. It might sound crazy to some of you but i dare you to come and spend just a single month of summer in this part of the world and no one will recognize you on your way out.
But there is something else about today, it’s like reminding me of what i wanted to do with my life. I wasn’t gonna waste my life lying in bed. I wanted to do something with it.
Ever since my childhood, i wanted to learn different languages. That was because i had a different mother tongue, Pashtu, which is from the region KPK Pakistan. While in school we used to speak Urdu, which is the national language. I also learned Arabic, from my neighbors because they were from Saudi Arabia and i learned Turkish from watching Turkish series becauze i love them. But during all this i was an English major student, studying the English language and Literature.
By the end of my masters degree i had a very detailed CV of a number of languages which led me to this brilliant school as a Teacher and Advocacy incharge. That was my dream job watching students sharing their difficulties , trusting me and opening up to me, it was like i had found a purpose in life. I was making someone’s life easier, taking their troubles from them and solving it out brought me joy. Believe me there is no more happiness in anything than looking into someone’s eyes and finding respect in them for yourself.
It’s been 8 months since I’ve left that job and the country behind. Today this hazy sky brought me back some memories of those days and it felt like my life has no purpose anymore.
Growing up in a country, Saudi Arabia which is the birth place of my religion Islam, we were always thought about the power of Simplicity. Although the city nights were no less in brightness than the New York city, but still inside the boundaries marked for us by our religion. I was happy and my life was just perfect until the day my father said we had to move out.
Asking a girl who has lived 24 years of her life in a city with a well established profession as a teacher, to leave all that behind and shift to a village in a stranger country, thats more than alot. But under those circumstances it was necessary and we did move out.
Today, sitting in my room looking out of the window all i could see is green grasses and tall trees with snowy mountains in the far background just as i used to draw as a child in my art classes. Our religion teaches us to always be careful about what we wish and pray for from our Lord because we never know when and under what circumstances it might come true. I don’t remember wishing for it but all this seems an exact copy of my portraits and believe me i am more than happy i left my old life behind for it.
This new world is stress free, the air is fresh and there’s always a natural fragrance in it that I didn’t felt before. Theres always a paradise waiting outside for you whenever you take a step out of your room.
Well sometimes i guess sadness doesn’t only affect your mental heath but also changes you physically. Today i woke up to find my muscles tightened up for no definite reason. I though maybe it would be because of yesterday’s Goodbye. It was a rather calm day with a bright sunshine but suddenly it all changed in just a second.
Call it a culture or tradition, when someone dies in our society we gather people from our surroundings by announcing the persons identity and the time and location of a funeral through a speaker in a moving van. So its rather an open invitation where anyone can attend the funeral and pray for the forgiveness of the soul.
I wasn’t aware of this custom of calling before as i had just moved here after 24 years. Death for me was something scary and horrifying. Nowadays i hear these call 6-7 times everyday. My family and surrounding people seem just used to it. Their response is just as if the person had gone to a market for a walk and will be back in a while. It makes me sad, how someone who had spent countless moments with you can be forgotten so easily. Its like the humanity is dying off we are becoming Robots or we have rather switched off our humanity.
I wish when i die and its my Call of Death from that moving van, people would give me a moment of silence and atleast remember me for a day or two.